Hello readers. This is my first post on LiveThroughTheHeart and I vacillated for a while on how I would introduce myself and my story to you. I’ve always believed in going “straight to the source.” I also think every one of us has suffered from and come out of a heartbreak. In the aftermath there is only pain. You question everything from your actions to their actions, what you could have done differently, and if it could have somehow been saved if you could go back in time and fix or change some things.
The truth of it is, you can’t. Every relationship has a meaning. That person is put in your life to teach you something about yourself, and once you have learned the lessons you MUST learn from it, then you can move on to the next one with the hopes that it will have a “happy ending.”
To give a little background about the changes that loving this man brought, and how the lessons I had to slowly learn afterwards saved me from the path I was going down, I’ll start with my background.
I was adopted from an orphanage in Korea when I was 14 months old. For the first 20 years of my life I pushed people away from me at the first sign of a disagreement because in my mind, I figured they would leave me anyways (as my birthparents did) and it would be easier to push them away than wait and have them reject the effort I made. I never opened up to people (not even my own family) about what was going on inside my head if it meant showing any weakness. As far as anyone could tell, I needed no one. I could do it all myself. I was self sufficient to the point of callousness and I was disdainful of anyone who let the world see their tender emotions. I lived in a closed, emotionally isolated world that few could penetrate, and it was dismal.
I have always been outgoing and used my quick humor to deflect real emotions. I was the first to ask and try and help you with YOUR problems (if I cared deeply for you, and there were few people I did) but I would share NONE of my pain with you.
In the middle of 2011 I met a man who started out as a friend, and turned into a romantic relationship. Whatever it was about him, his kindness, his energy, his complete acceptance of my quirks and idiosyncrasies, and his open adoration of everything I was, opened the door that had sealed my heart for 31 years. He too was suffering inside, but not from an adoption issue. His pain was from a long relationship that had recently ended.
Perhaps it was his pain, and yet his ability to adore me and try to give me what I needed emotionally that opened this closed door on my heart. Whatever it was, I quickly grew to love this man more than my “closed door policy” on my emotions…and that effect spread to everyone else in my life.
Fast-forward several months and he started to withdraw into the need to rebuild his heart and to heal…and trying to care for my emotional needs was having the opposite effect of how he could accomplish this.
The day of New Years Eve 2012 I did the most selfless thing I have ever done. I let him go. I sat on my couch, wrapped in his arms as he held me, and I cried as I told him I think he needed me to let him go so that he could heal, and he agreed he needed to be free. That night my best friend watched as I sat in a crowded restaurant on what is supposed to be an evening of new beginnings and hope, and watched my heart shatter into millions of pieces.
For the next 6 months it was all I could do to exist. Yes, I breathed. Yes, I ate when I had to. Yes I went through the necessary motions “every day life.” And every night I hoped I wouldn’t wake up the next morning or that at least I could become numb because each morning I woke feeling as if my heart was being ripped from my chest…and time wasn’t healing it fast enough.
Thus began my journey of becoming more self-aware, of opening up to the people in my life who love me and who want my happiness, because without them I wouldn’t have been able to get through each day.
Through those 6 months of the worst pain I’ve ever felt, I grew. I didn’t see it then but I can look back on it now and see the TREMENDOUS growth that happened. With each day that I opened up to the people who cared about me and asked for their understanding, I became more approachable and relatable. With each tear I shed in front of someone who before had thought I needed NO help to get through life, I became more self-aware of how I had shut them off, and vowed to NEVER do that again. And with each person that saw my pain, and felt the best way to help me get through it was to share a story of their heartbreak and how they managed, I learned that you cannot truly live without the give and take of those around you.
It’s now a year and a half after that devastating morning. I’m a happier, more approachable, wiser, more emotionally intelligent, and more intuitive person than ever. I’m creating a business where my mission is to help others find happiness through starting an entrepreneurial venture of their own. And I realize that none of this could have been possible if I hadn’t learned the valuable lessons of how crucial it is to open your heart to the world, so that the world can embrace you in theirs.
So thank you for joining me on my journey of self-growth and how it’s positively affected both my personal and professional life. I will leave you with a quote that I found profoundly inspirational as I healed that I hope will help you, if you’re currently on your journey of healing and repair.
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
Never doubt love exists. Never shy away from opening your heart no matter how badly it has been burnt before, and never regret the love you have given someone, that might not have had a “happily ever after ending,” but that taught you lessons far more valuable so that you can begin the next adventure all the more wiser.
You can learn more about me at www.stilettosontheglassceiling.com