Resisting the Flow – by Christine Callahan-Oke

I’ve been in a funk the past couple of weeks.  Out of sorts.  Tired.  Frustrated.  Short-tempered.

Nothing huge has been going on, but little annoyances have been popping up everywhere and really getting under my skin.

My boys have been misbehaving more than usual, and I’ve been less patient than usual.  My computer has been acting up.  Techie stuff I’ve been trying to figure out (I’m not a techie) isn’t working.  The boys have woken me up several times a night lately (though they’re not sick), which is unusual.  And lots of other stuff…

But when I detach from all of this, which I didn’t do until tonight, I know that my life is reflecting my mindset.

I’ve been feeling off-kilter, and it’s related to where I’m at and where I’m headed, not to the minor events happening around me.

I can see where I’m headed – where I want to go – off in the distance.  The issue is, in pointing myself towards that destination, I take a few steps in one direction, then question what I’m doing, then circle back and head in another direction.

Again and again and again.

That’s what’s been going on the past while.

It’s exhausting.  And it’s not working.  I’m going in too many directions at once.  I seem to have put my internal compass – which guides me well – away for awhile.  It’s as if I don’t want its guidance.

Finally tonight I thought, What am I resisting?

Then I realized: things have been flowing in a beautiful direction for the past few months, and lately, though the river is still flowing in the same direction, I’ve been caught up in a churning whirlpool.

Why?  Because I’m afraid.

Afraid of success.  Afraid of failure.  Afraid of old self-doubts popping up and stopping me.  Afraid that if I allow the flow, it’ll sweep me up and move me along more quickly than I’m ready for. Afraid that I can’t handle whatever’s ahead.

I know, deep down, that it’ll soon be time to put on my big-girl-pants and release those fears.  They’re not serving me.  But first I need to allow myself the space to move through them, thanking them for trying to protect me.

When I slow my mind down and think calmly, I know I wouldn’t reverse my journey even if I could.  So I suppose I’ll do what makes the most sense: get myself out of that whirlpool, breathe deeply, hold on tight and enjoy the ride.