I recently made an observation about my son, noticing that he will act out toward me when I have not been able to spend the usual amount of quality time with him, resulting in a bit of emotional disconnection. I had shared this observation with someone today who responded with the idea that there seems to be some research that shows that to be true. That if we are unable to have an emotional closeness or a connection with our mother, we can never truly feel good. I immediately felt this resonate within me, as I have been emotionally disconnected from my mother for as long as I can remember. Could what I was just told be true? Could that deep feeling of pain and emptiness be the result of a longing for my mom?
As the day went on, the universe continued to deliver me gifts and messages guiding me toward a deeper connection within myself regarding the relationship, or lack of relationship with my mom. Even the television shows I decided to watch ended up being about the healing of mother/daughter relationships. By the time I made my way to my bath, I found myself sobbing, as a deep release was occurring. In an instant everything seemed to come together and a gateway opened wide for some truth to be revealed to me, truth that I had been blocking myself from seeing for a long time. I was ready now and it was all there ready for me to see.
For so long, I have felt anger and resentment towards my mother for things that have occurred in my life and for not having the mother that I wished I had. Those negative feelings had gotten so strong that I had reached a space of disconnect and a deadening of feelings. Somewhere along the line I had decided that it was safer to emotionally close off to my mother to protect myself from ever having to feel disappointment, rejection, or abandonment again. I of course vowed never to be like her and it seems, spent a great portion of my life doing everything in my power to follow through with that vow. I thought I didn’t care that we were disconnected, and thought that I had moved beyond whatever needed to be healed with me surrounding that relationship. I understood clearly tonight that I was wrong.
As I sat and sobbed, I found this voice in me crying out for my mom. It seems that I missed her deeply and wanted nothing more than to be able to fall into her arms and have her tell me that everything is going to be ok. For so many years I have been a fighter. I have stood on my own two feet and I have been strong. Even through my divorce, probably the most painful experience I have ever had to bear, I managed not to break down and to keep on moving forward. What I realized now is that more than anything I longed to have been able to break down and completely lose it, but as a result of my emotional disconnect from my mom, had not given myself that opportunity. See, it is only with our mothers that we can fully fold and know that we are without a doubt taken care of. Think about being sick as a child and nothing ever taking the place of your mother’s hug. I needed my mom, but had cut myself off from the possibilities of the present based on the story of the past I had been telling myself. Not allowing what could be based on what had been.
What I know now is that my mother is my mother for a reason and she has been and is a gift to me on my journey, providing me with everything I need in order to heal my own self. I know that forgiveness and letting go have been difficult lessons for me to learn on my journey and tonight, my mother has given me the gift of fully understanding those lessons. I may never have the relationship with her that I long for, and can not make up for lost time, but I can begin to create a new story starting now. I know that I am grateful for my son and the mirror he provides for me to look within myself and find the spaces in which I need healing. If it were not for my son, I would not be able to see or connect with the intensity of feeling and need that a child has for their mother. I would never have understood how deeply effected we as humans can be, simply by not being connected with our mother. Through my son, I am able to see that clearly. I know that I am grateful for me, and my courage to journey down this path of healing. Knowing that at times the pain can feel almost unbearable, but in the end the wisdom and freedom within my heart is undeniable.
I write this tonight and choose to share this with you for a couple reasons. First, I for so long have been cut off from my truth, unable to see the emotional disconnection within myself, and therefore not fully being me. This post is my first step toward standing in my truth and having the courage to put my self out there, willing to take the risk, not being guided by fear of pain or disappointment. Second, I write this to share with you because I know so many of us struggle with our relationships with our mothers. Many of these relationships are defined by pain, conflict, and anger to name a few. I never realized just how deeply this can affect our ability to be happy and truly feel good. Maybe in reading this, some relationships can be healed and authentic happiness can be found.