For so long, I’ve heard people talk about letting go. My yoga teacher would often say, “You have to let, in order to go.” I knew the theory was that if you hold on too tight to the people you love, you could push them away. Logically I understood that the universe would give me exactly what I needed in my life and that whatever happened, was meant to be. I thought I truly understood what this meant, but I’ve recently discovered that I never really understood at all.
This is because I journeyed through my life full of so much fear and anxiety. Most of the time, I connected the anxiety to situations or life events. It never really occurred to me that I had an undercurrent of fear running through everything I did. This constant fear greatly impacted everything in my life from my career to friends to marriage. I would make – or not make – decisions out of fear. I sought to control the future to eliminate uncertainty. I tried to control those around me out of fear of their autonomy. I would do all of this and so much more completely unaware that I was stuck in a pattern of fear that was greatly affecting my life in a negative way.
Fear and anxiety lived in my chest and throat. It felt as though I had an elephant sitting on me. Throughout time, this fear and anxiety grew, and refused to be ignored. I eventually felt myself holding on for dear life with all the strength I could muster. I finally understood that I had no understanding of letting go and was actually living the complete opposite. I was creating unnecessary resistance in and around myself.
I am very fortunate to have been surrounded by the most amazing people with beautiful spirit and energy at the time I realized I was scared to death and very close to losing it. I was able to seek out help and guidance and find healing. I transformed the fear and anxiety into faith, love, and acceptance. I filled my entire being with these new concepts, and suddenly I was free.
Through my healing process, I discovered that events in my past had led me to form negative views about the world and me. I was operating according to the belief that bad things happen when you let go. I believed that I had to control the future as much as I could to protect myself from hurt and pain. I believed that with love came great pain, and to not only expect that pain, but to guard against it. These beliefs caused me to live my life only seeing the things that proved my negative viewpoint “right.”
Through forgiving myself and those around me, and replacing my negative feelings related to past events with the positive emotions of faith, love, and acceptance, I found myself feeling completely changed on the inside. Suddenly my chest and throat began to expand and my heart opened. I realized that the process of ridding my body of fear had opened up a tremendous amount of space for me to simply exist. With the fog of fear lifted, I could finally see who I truly was as a person, and who I’m meant to become.