I want. I want. I want. This has been one of my main mantras and “thoughts” since my husband (guess that title needs to vanish), and I decided to change form of our relationship just a few short months ago. A decision that we both agreed upon after almost eleven years of marriage. Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin called their break-up a “Conscious Uncoupling;” Kirk and I call ours…”Leaving In Love.”
We are family and always will be. I love him more today than the day we got married. Sounds trite, AND it is true.
I know…that may “seem” confusing. Why leave a marriage with a seven-year-old son? Especially when we are creating such a close bond?!?
Before we left our relationship in love…we needed to Stay In Love, FIRST. This could ONLY be done by taking full responsibility for our reactions; blaming and judging the other only diminishes our ability to claim our birthright to freedom that we BOTH deserve.
“I take full responsibility here and now for everything I experience, for it is my own programming that creates my actions and also influences the reactions of people around me.” – Ken Keyes Jr. (5th Pathway To A Higher Consciousness)
Not easy to do; and yet, sooo liberating and powerful. I knew that the ONLY control I had was over my own story telling, so why not change my story? My program of, “He needs to do this and that… and this and that” changed to the responsible affirmation of, “I am addictively demanding that he…(you fill in the blank).” It was my addiction, demanding that something or (he) be different than it is, for which I was giving up my peace. What we deem to be “right” or “wrong” is based on our programming. This was why I was suffering in our marriage; I was NOT meeting in Rumi’s field of oneness.
“Beyond our ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” -Rumi
Once I up-leveled my addictions to a preference and realized that being “RIGHT” did not help me create the happiness I longed for, I began to honor our differences. And THAT has made the extraordinary experience of transforming our relationship in love.
But what then? The desire to create a romantic partnership inevitably began. My mind started to chatter and “THINK”….Why Not? I know what I want and what I am looking for. And there is no time like the present, especially since much inner work was done throughout the marriage. Ahh…time to write my “I WANT” list…
And so, my eyes began to wander.
My mentor, Cinnamon, lovingly suggested (without pulling the rope) that I could have a mad and passionate love affair with myself. WHAT? HUH? Date myself? That doesn’t sound as fun.
And then, I opened her book and read this…
“That moment when you want to be wanted by someone else: that’s the moment to go in. Do you want yourself, exactly the way you are?” – Cinnamon H. Lofton (“Here, Now”)
Ohh, good question. Yikes! Ouch.
Does saying that “I am close” count?
The answer would be a “No.” UGH!
So, my “I want” list immediately condensed to my best one-liner, yet:
“I Want To Be The Type Of Person I Want To Meet.”
Yes…THAT is what I want. And I will continue to welcome what my soul needs (with a few tantrums, I’m sure).
I am surrendered to the truth that Love always knows best; and with that, I am sleeping well.
To be continued…
With all my heart,