As I continue to sit with the discontent and disconnection I feel in my heart, I watch as fear and anxiety continue to grow within me. It has been such a long time since I have felt this way and I am struggling with this strong desire to find peace in my heart once again. I miss feeling inspired, connected, and open to the universe that surrounds me. I feel completely off center, as though I am losing myself, and as you can probably imagine, I am scared.
Buddhist philosophy speaks of the importance of letting go of attachment in order for us to end our suffering. When I think of attachment I often times think of the attachment I feel towards people in my life, material things, even the role I play in the world. It is easy to forget that I can also become very attached to emotions or states of being. I find myself now struggling with my attachment to the space of peace and contentment I had been living in until recently. I long to return there and have been grasping to find ways to go back.
In my last blog I left off with allowing myself time to sit with the lessons being offered from the universe. In this process I have been meditating, reading, and journaling. I have been attempting to think of every resource or idea possible that will guide me back to the space I was in. As I sit and write this now I am keenly aware of my words and can see that I have been creating my own obstacles and causing myself unnecessary struggle. The attachment in and of itself represents my fear. The fear that what awaits me may not be as good as this blissful past I have experienced. In a sense, I have been clinging to the past to avoid moving forward.
I now understand that in addition to allowing the fear and discontent to exist I also must let go of the idea that I will return to the state of being I was in. I must let go completely, having faith in wherever it is I am headed. My journey is not and never will be to go backwards, rather it is to move forward and continue to discover and uncover all that lies within me. Here lies the answer to what has been leaving me afraid and paralyzed: I can not know what tomorrow will bring I can simply sit in gratitude for where I have been and have faith in where I am going.