Closing Off

Like so many others I have experienced hurt in my life. My heart has been broken, I have felt betrayed and abandoned, and I have felt lost and alone. Some of these hurts have cut so deeply that I have unintentionally built up walls around myself to protect me from possible future pain. As I have grown in awareness, I have been able to witness these attempts at protection and have grown to understand that they truly do not serve me on my journey.

My ability to disconnect is a protection that I have grown very adept at using. When I experience hurt in relationship with someone I tend to cut myself off emotionally from that person. It is as if a guard goes up and I am safe behind this walls I have built. I find ways to continue to interact, while simultaneously guarding my heart under lock and key. My feelings toward them are buried and I move on as necessary.

Now I understand that some of this can be considered healthy. When we repeatedly experience hurt with another it is important to take care of ourselves and protect our hearts. Part of growing involves finding the courage to exit from negative and hurtful relationships. I am proud of my ability to recognize areas in my life that do not serve me, and my willingness to disengage from them in honor of my heart. I have though started to become aware that this process might actually be causing me more pain.

What I have come to understand is that when I close myself off to a person I care for in my life, I am essentially disconnecting from a part of me. Since love and caring still exists, closing off to them is really an act of closing off to the part of me that still loves them. In a sense it is an attempt to suffocate that part of myself, and the feelings that exist. I have noticed that as I do this I become increasingly discontent and fragmented inside and it is impossible to remain connected.

As I have struggled with this, I have taken a very honest look inside to find my truth. I am at the core very open hearted, forgiving, and kind. I am the type of person that loves in the face of darkness and has faith when surrounded by doubt. I tend to believe in the inherent goodness within others even when they show me otherwise. Even though this can be the source of much heartbreak for me it is who I am and so disconnecting or walling off goes against every grain of my being.

It is now that I must find the courage to be myself and honor the person that I am. I realize that living my truth means not walling off and disconnecting even in the face of adversity. Having faith in my truth even if I am feeling hurt or wronged. Finding ways to respond to hurt with kindness, forgiveness, and love. As difficult as this may be and although it may bring me future pain I must trust in the knowledge that everything experienced in truth is a necessary part of my journey. There are lessons to be learned here and I am ready to let them unfold. Quite simply… I need to be me.