I am willing to allow myself to be loved because I’m worthy of it.
Nothing has been more painful and embarrassing then to wake up to consciousness. To see with a new pair of eyes and humbly acknowledge that I, an inspirational blogger and talker, have not been loving myself as consistently as I once thought. It took a woman to shake me from my “I’ve got this,” sleepy state of unawareness. Yeah, I said it…A WOMAN. God knew that I was too clever (and proud) to ever allow a man to reach my most vulnerable areas of insecurity, exposing every thread left of the program….”I am not enough.” Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not savvy enough. Not enough. The proclamation seemed to inhabit the nucleus of every cell in my limp body. It must be in my DNA, because why in the hell would I ever allow myself to feel this unworthy, lost, and abandoned, I thought.
The “juicy” details are exposed in my book, but I will give you just a hint of what is yet to come. She drove into my life on the night of the first total lunar eclipse of the tetrad or full blood moon, 4-14-14. A gift guised as the perfect storm. She came to visit when I least expected it. Just two weeks after, The Captain (my former husband) and I decided to leave our marriage in love. It all happened so quickly. And being a co-dependent person that had been in a relationship consistently since the sweet age of sixteen, jumped all in.
It lasted seven days. Our full day physically together as a couple was on the seventh day, Easter. It seemed too good to be true. It was. I had entered into a fantasy land that I had convinced myself existed since I was a little girl. A landscape of blue skies and rose petals that I thought needed to be true in order for me to survive and idealize an upbringing of emotional neglect. Another gift bestowed upon me by my parents, giving me yet another opportunity to claim my new last name… Braver.
The title of the book I am working on is called What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Braver, The Five Pathways To Ultimate Surrender. Being brave is the purpose of all our “so called” challenges. The Universe gives us an opportunity to see what we are made of. We are ALL brave at our core. This truth was revealed to me when I claimed the Fourth Pathway…The Light Of Love Is Always Stronger Than The Darkness Of Fear.
When I surrendered to Love, I was willing to see how I had bought into my own “Candy Land” version of the way our life was supposed to go down. And let me tell yah…it was sweeet! Little did I know that she was going through her own version of our union; and when I doubted her love, I told myself that she was confused as hell. She’ll wake up, I thought. And, I’ll wait, and wait, and wait.
We all know that time waits for no one. My year was spent longing for a romantic relationship that I had made up in my head, filled with champagne and sugar plums, only to be given another opportunity on the third full blood moon (4-4-15) to see that she had moved on, spending that Easter with the daddy of their new baby still incubating in her womb. After nine months of silence, she called me. Why? I still have not figured that one out. I suppose God was giving me another opportunity to let go of my crazy ass illusion that she actually cared. She had not given me a second thought since the day that we had officially said good-bye. How do I know this? She told me so. Ouch!
As painful as it was to hear the truth, it was what began my journey in setting me free from my mind’s illusions. Except for one thing. I was still finger pointing at her. SHE needed to wake up. One can only imagine the amount of suffering I put myself through considering that I knew that one needs to take responsibility to be free. I was unwilling to look at myself. It was just too painful. Until I had suffered enough.
As I walked around the lake in my backyard, I woke up. Just like that. The fog lifted and I was willing to look at my cotton candy stories and how I projected them onto her. The destiny that I wanted. The way I thought our relationship SHOULD be. Never mind what God wanted. I pushed Love aside and said, “I will take over.”
A hard lesson, and I can now clearly see that it was worth the wait, even though it took a year of agony. The lesson? That I am worthy of Love, that crumbs are not enough, and I am finally willing to allow myself to receive it.