It had always seemed to me that the things we know are best for us can be the hardest to actually do. I can remember times when I would have to force myself to do yoga or meditate. I would know in my heart that it was what I was longing for, what I needed to find my center and hear my heart speak, yet I couldn’t seem to find the way to get myself to do it. The further I would get from my yoga and meditation practice it seemed the more difficult the challenge to bring myself back. It is only recently that I have sat with this and really tried to understand the process of denying ourselves those things that we long for and need.
As I look back I am able to see how disconnected I was from my heart at the time. I remember feeling lost and constantly having that nagging feeling inside myself that told me I simply wasn’t living the way my heart intended. Every so often my heart’s voice would break through loud and clear. I would have a brief moment of clarity and then just as quickly I would talk myself out if it. I would tell myself things like I was crazy or I should just be grateful for what I have. I would feel like there was something wrong with me and would try to find a million ways I could change. In the end, I would do whatever it took to quiet the voice of my heart and bury her as deeply as I could and for as long as possible.
As I sit and reflect I am able to understand clearly why those things that I knew were best for me were the things that I pushed away and avoided doing. I wasn’t ready to accept the voice of my heart as my truth. I was scared and did not want to disrupt the life that I was living. I was not ready to accept the path of my truth and did not have the courage to stand in it at all costs. Those activities like meditation and yoga connected me with my heart, a place I was not ready to be. Even though I could feel the longing, I would talk myself out following that desire in favor of remaining right where I was.
It is now that I sit in a space having accepted my truth and having had the courage to stand in it. I have had to move forward from the life I was living, which was probably one of the hardest experiences of my life. I have thrown myself into the unknown and have faced challenges that I never thought I could survive. I am at peace and I am proud. Most of all, I am happier than I have ever been and ever thought possible. I stand here no longer avoiding the calling of my heart and no longer attempting to silence my inner voice, the voice of my truth. My quest in life is no longer to fight against my heart but rather to fight for it.